Post by theretsam on Jun 19, 2018 21:07:38 GMT
It was in the time of the Doctor Who with the big mop of brown curls that his companion Romana, the blonde one what later married Richard Dawkins and wore the anime outfit in Paris, came to him one day and asked him a question.
"I say, Doctor," said Romana.
He was in one of his witty Douglas Adams moods that day.
"Hmmmm?"
"I say, I've been hearing this terrible noise coming from the bathroom recently."
"Terrible noise?"
"Yes."
"In the bathroom?"
"Yes!"
"Fascinating."
"Do you think something's wrong with the TARDIS?"
He looks at her incredulously.
"Wrong? With the TARDIS? With this old girl? Why, I could fly her through a wormhole both ways and she'd come out fine."
"Really, Doctor."
"All right, perhaps the food machine's a bit faulty..."
"..."
"...and there's a couple of circuits missing, and I've done some fairly haphazard rewiring here and there..."
"Honestly..."
"But there's absolutely nothing wrong with the bathroom. Scout's honour."
Inside, Romana was furious with the Doctor. The way he could treat her like a child sometimes, like a hundred-and-teenager! She didn't want to mention it, but on this occasion she couldn't help herself.
"Oh, really? And what's that awful smell then?"
"Awful smell? What awful smell?"
"Oh Doctor, don't be absurd! You know what I mean. That ridiculous porcelain bowl you insist on having there!"
He looked at her with big quizzing eyes. "Porcelain bowl?"
Romana sighed. "Yes, Doctor. That absurd ornament. I like Marcel Duchamp as much as anybody, but must we have that thing in the bathroom?"
The Doctor pondered her question philosophically for a moment, and decided the pragmatic explanation for his behaviour suited him best.
"Well I mean, it's the natural place to have a shit, isn't it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said, 'It's the natural place to have a shit, isn't it?'. As far as I'm aware. We all have to go sometime, don't we?"
"We most certainly do not! Doctor, that's disgusting!"
The implications of this exchange appeared to point towards an almost inescapable conclusion, but the Doctor couldn't quite imagine it. He began to delve deep into his memory, but found nothing. For the moment, he was taken rather aback.
"Do you know, I've never heard you take a shit?"
"I would hope not!"
"And why not?"
Romana couldn't believe her ears. "Doctor! Do you take me for some kind of animal?"
"Romana?"
"Yes?"
"Romana?"
"Yes?"
"Romana, Romana?" "Yes, yes?" "Are you saying you've never taken a shit in your entire life?"
"NO! And neither does anyone that I know?"
"What about the Time Lords?"
"Time Lords don't take shits. Everyone knows that."
"Well I don't. And neither does Drax. We take shits all the time."
"Yes, but..."
"But what?"
"You and Drax are..."
"Are what? Come on Romana, get it out with?"
"Well you're common."
"We're Time Lords just like you."
"No... no. You're not one of us. Like, really one of us. You don't share the history, the heritage, the lineage. You just happened to get lucky in school."
"Well I know that... but what does that have to do with me taking a shit?"
Romana explained. "At the Academy, students of a age, initiate Time Lords of a certain age are taken to the Shit Zone on Gallifrey."
"The Shit Zone?" "Yes." "The Shit Zone?" "Yes."
"Fascinating."
"At the heart of the Shit Zone is buried one of Gallifrey's most enduring treasures. The Shit of Rassilon."
The Doctor echoed the words in awe. "The Shit of Rassilon."
"Once you've gazed into the Shit of Rassilon, you'll never have to shit again. And it being Gallifrey, it works retroactively from your birth too. This is what sets Time Lords apart from lesser mortals. Apart from the time travel capabilities, augemented physical performance, and regeneration cycle. But that's just bare minimum, entry-level nobility perks of course. I mean, even you can regenerate, Doctor."
The Doctor seemed lost in thoughts. "So that's why the Time Lords are ever such insufferable little shits. This explains so much."
But what the Doctor didn't know was that far away, others were listening in to their conversation...
"THIS IS FAS-CIN-A-TING NEWS."
"IF WE DE-STROY THE SHIT OF RAS-SI-LON, WE WILL BE E-VEN MORE IN-STOP-PA-BLE!"
"UN-STOP-PA-BLE!"
"THAT IS WHAT I SAID!"
"WE WILL PRE-VAIL! SEIG HEIL!"
"SIEG HEIL!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
ALL DALEKS LAUGH EVILLY: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"I say, Doctor," said Romana.
He was in one of his witty Douglas Adams moods that day.
"Hmmmm?"
"I say, I've been hearing this terrible noise coming from the bathroom recently."
"Terrible noise?"
"Yes."
"In the bathroom?"
"Yes!"
"Fascinating."
"Do you think something's wrong with the TARDIS?"
He looks at her incredulously.
"Wrong? With the TARDIS? With this old girl? Why, I could fly her through a wormhole both ways and she'd come out fine."
"Really, Doctor."
"All right, perhaps the food machine's a bit faulty..."
"..."
"...and there's a couple of circuits missing, and I've done some fairly haphazard rewiring here and there..."
"Honestly..."
"But there's absolutely nothing wrong with the bathroom. Scout's honour."
Inside, Romana was furious with the Doctor. The way he could treat her like a child sometimes, like a hundred-and-teenager! She didn't want to mention it, but on this occasion she couldn't help herself.
"Oh, really? And what's that awful smell then?"
"Awful smell? What awful smell?"
"Oh Doctor, don't be absurd! You know what I mean. That ridiculous porcelain bowl you insist on having there!"
He looked at her with big quizzing eyes. "Porcelain bowl?"
Romana sighed. "Yes, Doctor. That absurd ornament. I like Marcel Duchamp as much as anybody, but must we have that thing in the bathroom?"
The Doctor pondered her question philosophically for a moment, and decided the pragmatic explanation for his behaviour suited him best.
"Well I mean, it's the natural place to have a shit, isn't it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said, 'It's the natural place to have a shit, isn't it?'. As far as I'm aware. We all have to go sometime, don't we?"
"We most certainly do not! Doctor, that's disgusting!"
The implications of this exchange appeared to point towards an almost inescapable conclusion, but the Doctor couldn't quite imagine it. He began to delve deep into his memory, but found nothing. For the moment, he was taken rather aback.
"Do you know, I've never heard you take a shit?"
"I would hope not!"
"And why not?"
Romana couldn't believe her ears. "Doctor! Do you take me for some kind of animal?"
"Romana?"
"Yes?"
"Romana?"
"Yes?"
"Romana, Romana?" "Yes, yes?" "Are you saying you've never taken a shit in your entire life?"
"NO! And neither does anyone that I know?"
"What about the Time Lords?"
"Time Lords don't take shits. Everyone knows that."
"Well I don't. And neither does Drax. We take shits all the time."
"Yes, but..."
"But what?"
"You and Drax are..."
"Are what? Come on Romana, get it out with?"
"Well you're common."
"We're Time Lords just like you."
"No... no. You're not one of us. Like, really one of us. You don't share the history, the heritage, the lineage. You just happened to get lucky in school."
"Well I know that... but what does that have to do with me taking a shit?"
Romana explained. "At the Academy, students of a age, initiate Time Lords of a certain age are taken to the Shit Zone on Gallifrey."
"The Shit Zone?" "Yes." "The Shit Zone?" "Yes."
"Fascinating."
"At the heart of the Shit Zone is buried one of Gallifrey's most enduring treasures. The Shit of Rassilon."
The Doctor echoed the words in awe. "The Shit of Rassilon."
"Once you've gazed into the Shit of Rassilon, you'll never have to shit again. And it being Gallifrey, it works retroactively from your birth too. This is what sets Time Lords apart from lesser mortals. Apart from the time travel capabilities, augemented physical performance, and regeneration cycle. But that's just bare minimum, entry-level nobility perks of course. I mean, even you can regenerate, Doctor."
The Doctor seemed lost in thoughts. "So that's why the Time Lords are ever such insufferable little shits. This explains so much."
But what the Doctor didn't know was that far away, others were listening in to their conversation...
"THIS IS FAS-CIN-A-TING NEWS."
"IF WE DE-STROY THE SHIT OF RAS-SI-LON, WE WILL BE E-VEN MORE IN-STOP-PA-BLE!"
"UN-STOP-PA-BLE!"
"THAT IS WHAT I SAID!"
"WE WILL PRE-VAIL! SEIG HEIL!"
"SIEG HEIL!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
ALL DALEKS LAUGH EVILLY: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
*cliffhanger scream*
END OF PART 1
END OF PART 1