Post by theretsam on Feb 21, 2014 23:22:59 GMT
By Terrance Dicks
No. 157
(original story by David Whitaker, Dennis Spooner, Robert Holmes, Douglas Adams, Eric Saward, Pip'n'Jane Baker, Lance Parkin, Nicholas Briggs, Christopher Eccleston, Russell T Davies, Steven Moffat and Terry FUCKIN' Nation)
The Tardis was travelling through the vortex once more, wheezing and groaning with Dr Who at the helm. He was looking mighty proud and confident that he would finally arrive where he wanted to - Wonka's candy shop at the corner of Nelson and Wellington, London, circa 1964. Wonka's jelly babies were known throughout the galaxy for some reason - which was a most curious fact, as the old shop had never made it into the space age - it had gone broke under Thatcher. However, Dr Who's train of thought could not be sustained, as his attention was taken away by the sudden appearance of Susan in the control room, blowing pink bubbles out her mouth that popped with a loud P-POP!
'Grandfather, why have you installed a helm at the console?' POP!
Dr Who's heart jumped!
'Ohh, Susan, why are you making this infernal noise?'
'What, this bubblegum? If it bothers you grandfather, I can throw it away.'
'Ohh, not the bubblegum! Why are you talking? Didn't I tell you to be quiet?'
'Grandfather, that was last week, I thought you'd be over it by now.'
'Hmm-mm-mmph!'
Steven and Ben Jackson walked into the console room as well.
'So awright, you're a space pirate --'
'Space pilot!'
'Pirate, pilot - and you have a teddy bear? Whoy's that?'
'It's not a teddy bear! It's a panda!'
The Doctor chuckled endlessly.
'Does that amuse you, grandfather?'
Immediately he snapped out of it. 'Oh, be quiet, child!'
Ian Chesterton joined the group, laughing.
'Now, Doctor! Ha ha! You can take a joke, can't you? Ha ha! Cheer up, it's your birthday!'
The Doctor's eyes twinkled wistfully. 'To be precise, Testosteron --'
'Chesterton!'
'--quite right, quite right - to be precise, it's my regeneration day. Once in a lifetime, there comes a day you have to change. I die - and a new man appears. It's called regeneration day, hmm?'
'You're dying then, Doctor?'
'Yes - I'm afraid this old body of mine is wearing a bit thin. But it's far from being all over - I've got 12 lives left.'
'So that's why you gathered us all in your Tardis - but aren't you, I don't know, affecting your natural timestream?'
'Nonsense, Chesterton - nobody will miss me if I'm not gone long enough. Why --' he whispered, and gestured him to come closer '-- do you know how long I've left Steven in Paris one time? He never noticed it! He started asking me strange questions about religion afterwards, but never mind - I can assure you Ben and Polly have no idea I'm gone. By the time I get back to Antarctica they won't even have blinked!'
'Antarctica? Oh, Doctor!' Ian laughed loudly and hit Dr Who on his back.
Another figure put her arm around Dr Who's shoulder. 'So this is what you do. Amazing.'
Dr Who got all warm and giggly around Cameca. 'I say dear, would you like to see me land?' His face beamed.
'I'd love to, love.'
Dr Who landed the Tardis, and swung the doors open. STING! They had materialized on Skaro!
A Dalek entered the machine. 'IN-TRU-DERS! WHO-ARE-YOU?' Everyone backed up out of fright.
Out of the kitchen came an annoyed 'AAARRGGGH!'. Sara Kingdom, in full well-polished uniform, ran towards the Dalek with a ray gun. She shot it, ripped the top open and sucker punched the mutant inside. 'I've HAD IT --' punch '--with these MOTHER-FUCKING Daleks --' punch '--on this MOTHER-FUCKING space ship!'
She jammed the top on top, and kicked the bastard out. Dr Who closed the ship.
''E certainly took the wrong time o'the month to get in 'eeyar!' whispered Ben Jackson to Steven.
'How do you know?' he whispered back.
Soon, everybody was gathered around a table that was bigger on the inside. Everybody sat around it comfortably, and at the same time they could all reach everything they fancied without recquiring to have arms longer than most arms.
There was Susan, and Vicki, and Dodo, cackling away.
There was Ben Jackson, and Steven, being very gay.
There was Katarina, Sara Kingdom, and Polly, but they could not get along.
Women. Typical.
There was Ian Chesterton, trying to explain his name.
But Dr Who, sitting at the helm, was watching on the monitor a cricket game. 'Interesting sport,' he noted.
Then Barbara came out of the kitchen, carrying a cake some seven feet in length.
'Before you attack,' she said, 'I want you to say your prayers. I know I did before I started this monstrosity with Sara, Vicki, Dodo, Polly, and Katarina.'
'I come from an age where we don't cook anymore,' Vicki added guiltily.
'I'm an officer --' Sara retorted, '-- normally people cook for us.'
'I'm only a humble slave girl,' mumbled Katarina, 'we didn't have cakes in Greece.'
'I wanted to cook too,' complained Susan.
'Shush!' everybody else said.
As Barbara put the cake on the table, it spontaneously burst open. A widely-grinning man with camp, theatrical movements presented himself.
He spoke. 'Oops, wrong cake.' He was an American.
Sara Kingdom could not believe her eyes. 'Jack Harkness?'
'Who?' everybody else said.
'My old flame.' She stared daggers at him.
'Now --' Jack began, as he climbed out of the cake and down the table, '--you shouldn't be angry with me. After all, you got me pregnant, very nearly. Don't want that to happen to me, ever. Nuh-uh.'
Everyone was utterly dumbfounded by this strange man, who leaned on the console, accidentally breaking a switch.
Then everything swung around aimlessly, and the Tardis tried to take off, greezing and whoning for once.
'Oh dear,' said a voice. 'Oh my word. Not this again.'
STING!